A Letter to My Grandad

(Written April 4, 2015)

Dear Grandad,

I wasn't ready for you to go; I thought we had more time together.  I wanted you to see the house - the beautiful house and the dream realized - for which you had given me the money for a down payment.  I wanted you to meet Chad.  I knew you two would like each other, and I wanted to hear you say that he was a good guy and that you were proud of me for finding a good man.

I wanted to make you proud.  Every grandparent has a different place in a grandchild's life; every grandparent pushes a grandchild in a different area.  You pushed me to look at the big picture and to work towards and take those big steps: college, career, financial responsibility, etc.

I think that's why I can't stop crying every time I let myself think of you these past two weeks.  From that first moment when I saw you lying in that hospital bed, barely coherent, I knew then that you would never see my house, never meet Chad, never tell me again how proud you were of me for those things.  Most of all, I knew that I would never again have one of those analytical, thoughtful conversations with you - those conversations that were your trademark.

I miss you already, because it feels like you left unexpectedly, before I was ready.  I had reconciled myself to Nana never getting to see me accomplish certain things, but you, you whose opinion in my accomplishments mattered, you left too soon.  You left before I got to show you certain accomplishments of which I knew you'd be proud, accomplishments of which I wanted you to be proud.

But I know you were at peace with the timing of your leaving.  You knew you were going to miss out on those things, and you came to peace with it.  That is where I will have to draw my peace from, and I hope, that when you're looking down from Heaven, I make you proud with the rest of the accomplishments in my life.

I love you!
Your first granddaughter